A little Christmas melancholy but a very Merry holiday to you

T-shirt tales—Because every t-shirt tells a story, don't it.
And I have so very many of them. Shirts. And stories. ---- Tell me more. or Read all t-shirt tales

SUMMARY:  It is hard not to feel it. For me anyway. At this time anyway

Source: Discord chat with another writer Dec 22,2023

Somehow I seem to be more busy than before I retired, moved out of state, and left most of my family and friends behind. But I have finished my Christmas shopping since I really have only two family members, two dogs (Only one of them mine), and a couple of neighbors And friends to shop lightly for this year. Such a small number of gifts. So surely I can leave wrapping them until the last minute tomorrow.

As much of my life as I can remember – – and I'm retirement age, so that's...forever – – everyone in the family and their significant others (And often their parents and siblings) and their children and random friends and cousins from near and far and Dad's parents until they died (in the 1970s, but I can still recall how disquieting it felt the first Christmas that neither of them were there) gathered at my parents' house Christmas morning for an astonishing number of Christmas present openings. Even if each person received one gift, that was still a lot, but some of us--like my dad and me--enjoyed giving more than one gift to each person. Christmas at their place became legendary.

Then my dad died in 2015 and it impacted me like a crash and burn. We still all gathered that Christmas and still had a lot of gifts. But he had been the true driving force, And of course their house was good because it was huge because we all grew up in that house. The following year, mom's health declined rapidly and she died two days after Christmas, and we sold their house. We tried for a while, but it wasn't the same. I know they say that, to avoid this kind of sadness during the season, one should create new traditions. We didn't seem to be doing that. I didn't know what to try to create.

[Sidenote: That was a hard, hard year. Lost dad and mom, Tika and boost, dad's cousin who used to spend Christmas with us, and the beloved dog,Who got along well with Tika and boost, of My cousin (dad's cousins daughter) who also used to spend Christmases with us]

I have to work at managing the grief around this holiday. Not looking for sympathy, it's just a thing that is true. Three of us moved completely out of state to basically the same town and we are experimenting with planning a Christmas this year more suitable to three people than 20. We will open gifts, we will have a good meal, we will go for a probably short hike, we will drive out Christmas Eve looking at decorated houses,  we will see about trying to visit some of the many local waterfalls that we haven't seen yet, we will go through our notes and photos from our big trip in October, We will probably watch some Christmas shows or movies. we might do a jigsaw puzzle. Whether a new tradition will spring out of this remains to be determined.

This will be our ninth Christmas without Dad Cheering us on and preparing parts of a Christmas feast to browse from all day and mom trying to keep him moderate and doling out love. Missing them still feels like yesterday.

I have mom's Christmas T-shirt that she received fairly late in her life. It's almost new. I have worn it at Christmas. I don't feel like mom when I do. But the message on the front feels like her.

Living On The Edge of Agility and Memories

SUMMARY: Those were the days, my friend!

My Facebook post on Wed, July 22, 2021

Watching a day of agility (Steeplechase plus Masters Gamblers and Standard (?))* and watching so many people's videos** from these two local*** USDAA trials this month, I'm taken back-- 

I started competing in agility the week I turned 40. Wish I could've started years sooner, but dang agility had barely even been invented back then, local clubs barely started.

Ah, yes, I remember being able to run, pre-knee-and-particularly-spine arthritis! A blast! Loved living on the edge when my dog burned jet fuel almost on autopilot, racing through the course just on my words or a little body language and using their own experience as I barely managed to keep up or stay ahead, adrenaline peaking.

Remington, somewhere in those 1st couple of years, Qed 7 of 8 runs.
Very happy handler (I was concentrating too hard on the dog paying attention to the  photographer Bill Newcomb to remember to smile!)--my heart soared! 
Still one of my favorite photos.
(Wearing my Bay Team shirt, too!)

-----------
* I worked as timer/scribe on July 3 at the Bay Team USDAA in Prunedale.

** I still know so many people in agility, and they post on Facebook. Wins, near misses, contact joy, whichever videos they choose to post. So much fun!
***  Last weekend, SMART also hosted a USDAA trial in Prunedale; I stayed home.

-----------

Downsizing: Agility Equipment

SUMMARY: A-frame and Chute are free to good homes, maybe triple jump, maybe more, hard decisions 
(scroll down to "What am I not planning on taking with me when I move?")

Ooops, thought I posted this on Friday (the 16th). Guess I'm posting it now, and just backdating it.)

When I bought my current home, nearly 2 decades ago, my Agility Gung-ho-ness expressed itself dramatically by taking my money. And I don't mean classes or competitions or travel (although those were also true). I mean: Equipment! Full set! Here in my yard! To train fabulous world-class agility champions!

... we didn't get to world-class because I'm honestly too lazy to be that dedicated to training and improving our skills.  But it did help in achieving speed, accuracy, and championships of various sorts and quantities for Remington, Jake, Tika, and Boost.

What I had before moving here

• A teeter, gift of my then-husband less than a year before we split up.  It's not that he wasn't usually a kind and thoughtful guy, because he was. But--life happens. (1998, $400)

• A tunnel, a short 10-foot yellow one for which my agility instructor arranged group pricing, for her students and other agility folks. (1996, $100)

• Cheap weave poles, as in, I bought white stick-in-the-ground fence posts and tried using them (the little tabs all the way up them, however, were not an ideal surface).

• Cheap weave poles #2, as in, I bought a long metal strip from Home Depot and drilled holes in it and used very long bolts over which I dropped PVC piping of the correct size for agility. BUT turns out that that solid-seeming metal strip became astonishingly flexible when dogs raced through the poles.

• Cheap PVC jumps that I made using PVC for the bases and uprights, drilled holes through them, put a longish bolt through the holes, forming places on which to balance the crossbars.  This didn't work well for several reasons (e.g., in one direction, if the dog crashed the bar, the whole jump came down).

• Tire jump, made with an actual motorcycle tire and heavy-duty huge PVC frame and base.

What I splurged on in 2001/2002

• Table: Wood top with PVC base--to change heights, had to change out the PVC legs, which wasn't speedy, but it was lightweight. (2001, $100)
• Weaves: purple powder-coat w/adjustable offsets (screw in pole supports), 20" spacing, 2 folding 6-foot sections for easy transport (2001, $197)
• A-Frame:  From Duncan at Action K-9, one of the earlier makers of high-quality sturdy competition equipment. (2002, $865)
• Broad jump: 5-pc metal and wood, (2 short, 2 medium, one tall), flat tops --all of which made this obsolete for at least USDAA and CPE several years later, if it wasn't already that way because I think it was designed for AKC purposes. (2002, $174)
• Dogwalk: See Aframe. (2002, $752)
• Jumps!: Finally. Four official metal-frame with screw-on metal jump cups (2002, $170 total)
• Teeter base, adjustable height, heavy-duty metal base: Also Action K-9 (2002, $2.75)
• Tunnel: 20' heavy-duty double-walled teal & gray with 4" pitch--totally competition level. (2002, $360)
• Chute (aka closed tunnel): Competition quality plastic barrel with metal stand, 8' blue/purple/white sexy chute fabric! (2002, $251)
• Triple jump, whooo, big time! Purple powder-coated metal, 2 pieces (2002, $127.50)
• PVC for jump bars -- as needed, bought fancy tape and shelf paper to decorate them all with, ditto for the weaves. (Ongoing--minor costs)

Over time, added more jumps, more tunnels; retired jumps and tunnels as they rusted or wore out in the sun, replaced the table top once. The screw threads in my weaves rusted away, so that was useless, so replaced once with someone's no-longer-using 20" spaced official weaves, also eventually had issues, so replaced with someone's no-longer-using 22" spaced official weaves (of course at that time, USDAA had moved to 24" spaced weaves, so really they were no longer official). Resurfaced the teeter. A friend borrowed and resurfaced some of the Aframe.

What am I not planning on taking with me when I move?

• Aframe: Just too heavy for me these days. I haven't used it in several years, plus there is an important bit of damage that I can't fix myself. AND it's the old style textured surface, where now everyone uses rubberized. And it needs one critical bit of work.

• Chute: No one will want this, probably: All agility organizations canned them a couple of years back. Such a crowd pleaser (and I loved watching it), but they added too much time on the course (adjusting the fabric before each dog), and posed a risk to dogs who got tangled which BTW I also thought was unfair because that often added time to the dog's run and, really, there's only so much you can control with a fast dog through a floppy piece of fabric.  I ended up never using it except with each new/young dog or as a refresher once a year or so. So it's in excellent condition.

• Triple Jump: Sigh. Lovely purple thang. I think no organizations do this any more, either.

• Dogwalk: Erk. At the moment, I *am* planning on taking it, but it needs some rehab and repainting and it's the sort of equipment that (because of its weight) I'd likely just set up in one place and leave it there, which reduces a bit its usefulness for anything beyond the contacts themselves (complex sequencing with the walk in the same place always is a little predictable for the dogs...)  Still pondering. (And ditto on the rubberizing like the A-frame.)  

And... really... how much agility training will I ever want or be able to do in the future?  It is just a FUN thing, though!

What I AM planning on taking

• Jumps that are in reasonably good condition. This is maybe only half a dozen...

• Tunnels that are in reasonably good condition.  This might be only one or two... [frowny face]

• Table (... oh, and the tabletop needs cleaning and repainting)

• Teeter with both bases

• Tire jump--TBD?   Dunno--that motorcycle tire is heavy and needs to be retaped and is definitely not competition legal, and the big-old-PVC frame is broken in 2 places (works Oooookayyyyy just in the yard for basic use) that would require sawing and buying more pieces and measuring fit and gluing...  ugh. But the PVC is lighter than metal frames...   
  
  ... oh, also much cheaper, so I could build myself another one for not much other than time and effort. But how much would a real one cost me? Checking online--from inexpensive PVC-framed (but looks better made than mine) or used ones (quality TBD) to top-quality competition: $150 to $625 [really, J&J?!?!? REALLY?! -- I mean, Clean Run has one for $350-$525...]

• OK, tire jump NOT TBD, just talked myself out of taking it.

• Weaves. Even if they are only 22" span.

• Broad jump. I guess. It's not standard by far any more... but it's what I have and would probably work for basic training.

• PVC jump bumps for training (look up Susan Salo jump bumps).

• Tunnel bags - I have only 2 good pairs right now, and they fold flat once the sand/gravel is removed. ;-)

• Misc small other random stuff

Gallery of equipment fame and shame

Dogwalk when only a few years old. Glory days.

Dogwalk is about 30' long. 

Dogwalk needs... um... TLC?

A-frame in its younger age.

A-frame in my back yard. (Go straight across to the right from the green arrow.)
Takes up a lot of visual space and all in one large chunk. 

Aframe now. Mostly usable condition.

But this is a problem (bent pipe).

My teeter gets a lot of unauthorized use.

Why teeter needed resurfacing 10 years back. Replaced with fiberglass.
Currently, the metal parts are rusting and some of those surfaces are peeling away.
But I think it'll be OK.

Old tire parts I dragged out from behind the compost bins. Needs work.
But OK for occasional gentle use at the moment.

When expensive metal jump bases rust away... out they go.

Same model chute as mine. Beautiful colors! Mine has no duct tape.

When tunnels (purple) and tunnel bags (teal) are new and beautiful.

When Good Tunnels Go Bad...
and should really have been disposed of much earlier.

This is what USDAA broad jumps should look like.
Mine are flat across the top and form an upside down arc
instead of an ascending format.

My current weaves (except I've removed all the colored tape).
Weaves also take up a lot of space: 12 poles with 22" between.
(And modern poles have 24" between. So, yep, 22 feet long.)

Previous weaves. The pegs had screw bases so they could be put in line as usual
or you could move them out onto the tab to one side or the other for training.
Those little screw bases' threads rusted away, sometimes the entire screw base.

Tika demonstrates an unauthorized use of weave poles. 
Rules prohibit dogs from lying on their sides and
pulling themselves along the weaves by hooking paws over the poles. 
Such a rebel.

Maybe I Should Try Not Having A Dog

SUMMARY: Whenever Zoroo departs for good.

Backfill: date

I noted in yesterday's post:

Maybe I should try having an empty house, though [after Zorro is gone]. Maybe.

Have had at least one dog since shortly after I moved out from parents' to my own place.
Over 40 years. (Plus the family dog before that.)
Maybe it's time.

I don't miss my pups when I'm away from them.
I mean--well, yes, I do, but more like, wish I could snuggle with one right now.
Or, this situation is uncomfortable and I wish I had a dog with me.
So, bits and pieces.

But mostly I love the freedom to go where I want, when I want, and not worry about supplies or whether dogs are allowed or whether it would be challenging or worrisome for me to have them with me.
16 days I was gone in 2018, staying at hotels or friends' places, and I loved it. Me and my camera. Who is a much less demanding companion. (In most ways, anyway.)

I have said it--maybe time for no dogs--multiple times in my life--
Like, after Amber died.     (But then, eventually, Remington came home, making 2 again.)
Like, as Jake and Remington were aging.      (But then,  Tika came home, making 3.)
Like, as Tika and Boost were aging.      (But then, Chip came home, making 3.)

Maybe it's time to be free to travel anywhere in the world for any length of time and not worry about dogsitters. Or dog hair everywhere. Or having to ensure that they get the mental and physical exercise they need. Or the fun and love they need.

Devoting I don't know how much space in the house to them--dog beds everywhere, multiple shelves in various closets or cabinets filled with assorted gear and toys. Crates often in multiple places. Water bowls in various places. All of that. Crates and gear in my car and all over the garage.

I'm scared to actually add up how much space dog paraphernalia and ephemera consume.

And the yard--at least the current one--all that agility gear and all those limitations on landscaping so that I could do some real practice with the beasts. Not that I do much any more.

It's always something I think about after one of mine has died. Sometimes think more, sometimes think less about it.

So, just, not making a decision now. How long should I give my wound to heal? A month (It has been nearly 4 weeks already, hard to believe)? Two months? Four? Wait until I'm competing with Zorro? Will I ever actually do that?

What kind of dog would I want--another that I "intend to do agility with", as Chip and Zorro were?  A mellow dog? Must be smart, I think, and eager to learn.

But, aye, there's the rub: Those qualifications come right back around to "ensure that they get the mental and physical exercise they need. Or the fun and love they need." 

Enough on that for now.

Do not get another dog right now

SUMMARY: Don't. Just don't.

I got Zorro when it was just me and Chip not long after Tika and Boost died that spring

Even though I was adoring getting to know Chip better, I fell in love with Zorro's face (it was not like any of my prior dogs, but that wasn't it--), and I brought him home, and he sucked up so much of my attention, and I have thought often that it was an emotional mistake. I'm trying not to make that same mistake again.

But--the fear creeps in. The same fear that I first noticed 30 years ago,  two years after Amber died.

Old Amber

For those two years, I thought I was done with dogs. Heartache, exhausting, dust and mud and dirt and dog hair everywhere. But as my husky aged and declined--she was 14 already (who knew she'd live to 17!?). And then the fear--

Jim was inclined to get a dog from the shelter or an animal rescue place again rather than to find a puppy in the paper. (If we HAD to get a dog; he was pretty sure Sheba wouldn't be happy about it and maybe we should wait til Sheba wasn't around any more.) 

Told Jim that when we got back from Hawaii it would be time for ME to have another dog because i couldn't bear to have an empty house when Sheba goes to the great goodie cabinet in the sky. 

From my May 17, 1994 post, "How I Carefully Chose the Dog--And the Results"

But: I couldn't bear to have an empty house.
What if something happens to Zorro.
I hadn't expected Boost to die.
Maybe I should try having an empty house, though. Maybe.
Have had at least one dog since shortly after I moved out from parents' to my own place.
Over 40 years. (Plus the family dog before that.)
Maybe it's time.

Or, I could rescue a senior dog, one that's hard to adopt out. Or I could foster.
Could my heart stand either, when they'd leave so soon?

DO NOT MAKE A DECISION IN GRIEF. OR FEAR.

I miss Chip so much. His laughter. His affection. His fun.
And do not miss his flaws.

And Zorro seems like a better dog with Chip gone. Most of the time.

Still--I miss him so much.

Christmas Blues and Reds and Purples--

SUMMARY: Finding ways to feel less grief this year.

This year (4th year w/out parents or cousin), I have found that xmas music--which I have always loved, yet in past years has made me cry-- actually seems to envelop me in a warm, loving, safe place, so I've been playing it a lot and singing along loudly (I just try to avoid, say, Blue Christmas). I think I got my love of Christmas music through my mom, who was the most musical parent.

And I have deliberately taken on hosting xmas after these few years with almost nothing going on for me. Stressful--SO much to do!--but happy stressful. I am very much looking forward to having much of the family here, even though I'm not entirely clear yet on what kinds of new traditions we might be keeping from the last few holidays. I want traditions.

I'm well aware that it's all different for different people, or even for the same person on different years, or different days! (As it is for me.)  Here's an excellent article on this topic.

So far, I've hung almost all the purple (including ones that have some purple somewhere) and blue ornaments. Five boxes of ornaments to go! I'm thinkin' I'm not actually going to get them all hung, and that's OK, too.

Wishing you all whatever you can find during this Holiday season to bring you some peace, or some feeling of being cared about, or some joy.

The morning that wasn't

SUMMARY: Pain meds for new hip, or dreamy state, or wish fulfillment, or...

This is what led me into accidentally coming across parents' obits yesterday. Posted on Facebook 2/18/19.

I awoke this morning, tucked into my comfy and warm recovery bed between my new flannel sheets, hearing a sound at my bedroom door. I opened my eyes, and the room flooded with brilliant morning sunshine and a feeling of well-being came over me. Dogs were quiet in their crates, not disturbing me. Mom was standing in the doorway, hand on the doorknob, tall and slender, in an apron as always, her hair pulled back into a short pony tail, just checking up on me, saying something about letting my hip heal and breakfast would be ready when I was ready. I could smell breakfast and I could hear my little sisters downstairs playing. All was right with the world. Then I awoke, tucked into my comfy and warm recovery bed between my new flannel sheets. I opened my eyes, and the room flooded with brilliant morning sunshine. Dogs were quiet in their crates, not disturbing me. My bedroom door was closed. No one else was in the house. I lay there in my delicious bed, loving the sunshine, floating between contentment and grief and contentment again.