She's Done With It

SUMMARY: Now doesn't want to eat anything.

During the afternoon, she happily ate most of two Girl Scout peanut butter sandwich cookies (a few pieces at a time, spread out) and probably a large handful of Zuke's minis (over 2 or 3 opportunities).

But she's now refusing the ground beef "soup" or even the broth or the meat separately. And the baby food chicken. Ate one Zuke's just a little while. Took four more into her mouth, then gently laid them back onto the floor.  Didn't want any of the fish or rice that I cooked for myself. Doesn't want peanut butter sandwich cookies now.

I wanted to give her fun things to eat. Hope that they're not actually the cause of her feeling worse--but I don't know how this works.

I just can see that she is, now, pretty much done.  I hope that someone is available to help us on tomorrow morning (Monday).

Holding Steady

SUMMARY: Sunday morning, first day of Daylight Savings Time.

Despite the fact that I slept fine Friday night (except for waking briefly to check that she had made it into the house, which she had), I didn't sleep much last night. Cried a lot. Coming to the conclusion that it will be kinder to send her on her way than keep her here breaks all the dams.

It's so hard to know with dogs. If I were in her state--aware, intelligent, able to eat, could go through the doggie door on my own--well, you know what I mean--but otherwise in a failing body, I don't know whether I'd want to continue.  I don't mean failing in any random way (I'm thinking of Steven Hawking, of course), but in this way, with organs failing and looks like no hope of recovery.  I applaud the right-to-die states that make it legal for someone with a fatal illness that's nearly done with to take a painless way out instead of a long drawn-out agony. Would my friend with cancer have chosen that as the last weeks came and everything fell apart? I don't know.

Anyway, Tika's about the same this morning. Mostly just lying there. Not going towards the light, yet.

Had some "beef soup" eagerly, but again not a lot.

However, she was delighted when I started tossing her pieces of my English Muffin Sausage/Cheese/Egg Sandwich. But-- she wouldn't move if I missed my toss and it was just out of reach, instead just staring intently at it until I came downstairs and fixed that.

(The other dogs gladly move around when there is food afoot for Tika.)

I've said through most of her life that, if Tika had a bowl of food and a squirrel ran past, I don't know which she'd choose. She had a very strong prey drive, and yet she loved loved loved her food. More than any other dog I've had, I think. (And, oddly enough, was one of the pickiest eaters I've ever had, which maybe ties in to how picky she's become over the last year or two.)

So--she is aware--watches me, sometimes, when she can, especially if I have food, but usually doesn't move anything but her eyes to do so. She is intelligent--still can "shake" and "touch" when asked, even if lying down, and just Friday I think was the last time that she was standing up enough for me to ask her to do Right and Left and she did. And she does still loves food--well, depending on what food and when/how often it's offered.

I don't know whether she's in pain. But her body is so clearly failing her.

I'm going to go try some ice cream on her for size.

It's Almost Over

SUMMARY: My good old girl.

Friday evening.

Message from the vet when I got home in the evening, giving initial blood-test results. Summary: "She's only somewhat anemic but in 90% renal failure." Details for my records:

• Anemic: 36-60 is normal and she's 30.
• Kidney measurement 1 (didn't catch the name): Normal is 6-31; in September, she was 78; now is 125
• Creatinine: 1.6 is high normal and she's at 3.1
• Phosphorus 6 is high normal and she's at 9

Vet should have rest of tests back Monday and we'll talk then.

Tika ate a whole jar of babyfood turkey, quite a few Charlie Bears, and--something I haven't tried in a while--maybe a quarter of a stick of string cheese (don't want to give her too much dairy at one time). That's a good "meal", one of the best in the last 3 days. Even if I do have to break it up into small servings every 20-30 minutes or so. She's still walking around on her own when she *has* to.

But--Tonight was the first time in her life, other than when she was out of hearing range, that she didn't greet me at the garage door when I came home. Just lying there on the carpet and panting. I have tears.

She has kept on going way beyond any predictions ("2-3 months") when the heart failure was discovered that ended her agility career (Nov 2012). Good old sweet noisy talented annoying clever now-skin-and-bones Merle Girl.

Saturday morning.

She wanted to be out on the lawn when I went to bed. This is normal, except that before now, that would be the back porch. Lawn usually during the early evening.

I didn't leave the sliding door open although I wasn't sure whether she'd be able to get through the doggie door on her own.  I woke up at half past midnight and went down to check on her. She had moved inside onto the carpet and was sleeping soundly, so I guess the dog door was fine, so I left her alone and went back to bed.

This morning, was in a different spot than when I went back to bed, so she is moving around on her own, just oh so rarely. I did insist once that she stand up (I'm leaving her padded harness on all the time now so that I can haul her or help her to her feet as needed) to be sure that she still could stand, but she went right back to where she'd been.

Her gums were pink again this morning, so ... intermittent anemia? Could be: Internal bleeding. Sporadic failures of the heart to pump enough blood. Random other things.

I cooked up a batch of ground beef, added a bunch of water, and gave that to her--I think that she's not drinking much now, so more liquid the better (except, oh, yeah, yesterday she was still insisting on drinking out of that rancid pond out there, walking right past the water dish)--and WOW she was absolutely delighted to make the acquaintance of Tika's Special Beef Soup.

Saturday evening

I left the house for a few hours after that, and then the rest of the afternoon and evening, same things--she laps/eats eagerly for a very short time and then is done again. She's not getting tons of food or liquid this way.  I added minced cooked green beans later to her Special Beef Soup, and she didn't mind that.

Still, not eating very much at any one time. Mere mouthfuls, really. Still happy to take a few mouthfuls more 20 to 30 minutes later. Until yesterday, Charlie Bears were awesome, but now they've joined the list of things that she won't eat. Can still walk out through the dog door to the back yard, but now can't remain standing after squatting to pee. After a rest, can get herself standing and moving again if she thinks there's a good reason to, which mostly she doesn't seem to. But still likes to have the ol' ear/face rub.

When I'd check on her, she'd usually be where I last left her--but then she'd suddenly be lying somewhere else. So, very little mobility. She's become like the Racetrack Playa stones in Death Valley: she has moved, but no one sees her move.

I found her at the base of the stairs inside the house twice; she maybe wanted to be closer to me in the living room, but not sure whether she tried to go up and slipped, or just lay there deliberately (or couldn't turn around and so lay down as the only other option).  The problem with having spread no-slip carpets out for her is that now I can't hear when she's struggling.

I don't think this is a good life for this dog.

I will talk to my vet Monday morning.

I've got the numbers for a couple of mobile vets who also do in-home euthanasia and I'll call them, also, and talk to them.

How odd--my face is all wet.

Update Post-Vet Visit

SUMMARY: Anemic.

Yes, Tika's breathing is labored as I noticed at home particularly last night. But the doc says that her lungs sound clear, despite still having a lot of fluid in her abdomen. Means that probably the right side of her heart is doing worse that the left side, because the left side more likely causes fluid in the lungs.

Her heart rate is much better than it has been in recent visits--I said that's probably because she's out in the car having the vet check her instead of in the office.

No, there's no sign of infection in her mouth--in some ways, darn it, as we could have thrown antibiotics at it.

When he took her inside for a blood draw and brought her back out immediately, he said that she was very good and probably the sedation contributed--I said, there is no sedation, I didn't give her a pill this time, that's all her deteriorating health.

Yes, her gums are pale. OMG they're almost white this morning; last night they looked pale to me, but not white.  So--very anemic.

And now, back home, I'm realizing that I'm recognizing the symptoms of anemia from when Rem had his cancer and it would rupture and start bleeding out. Lethargy, staggering when trying to walk after first standing up, lying there and looking around as if in a fog.

So we're doing a blood test. It might give us something useful. For example, if her organs are closing down, then that could cause the anemia and there's not much that we can do--it's been a long time coming.

But if all it shows is that she's anemic, we're back to the question of--how much testing do we do to figure out what exactly is causing it? On a 14-year-old dog with congestive heart failure who has outlived her predicted lifespan by two years?

But also, how quickly will the results come in, and will it be too late by then?

Vet says that he looks particularly at four things: Can the dog eat, drink, pee, and poop on their own or with minimal help from me? Then they might not be done yet. But it's becoming an observational game, I think, as in, is her quality of life good?

She has yet to miss greeting me at the garage door when I get home (except when she's been somewhere where she couldn't hear it.) That includes last night, even after not wanting to eat much, not wanting to walk much, and mostly just lying there. One of the other dogs bumped into her, though, and she droopped to the ground-- but, still, she was there.

I'm not sure whether that's enough. As of yesterday, she hasn't wanted to come up the steps to the couch where I spend most of my home time now, so she's a bit isolated--although she was always pretty independent and often spent her time outside or in another room anyway.

Soooooo,waiting for blood test results, some of which might be available this evening.

Worried

SUMMARY: Tika not doing well

She hasn't gone up any stairs since Wednesday evening (it's now Friday morning).  Wednesday evening (before yesterday's post), she didn't want to eat much. At a few mouthfuls of juicy canned dogfood. Ate a couple of teaspoons of Gerber baby chicken/veggies. Ate several Treats and several more of a different kind of treat, then vomited up the latter.

To summarize yesterday's food:

Morning: Most of a watered-down tiny jar of baby-food chicken. A few treats.

Evening. The same.

She's moving herself around--she stayed out on a far corner of the lawn last night, and when I checked on her during the night, she had moved inside to the den, near the stairs. Don't know whether she tried to go up and gave up or didn't even bother. I suspect the latter.

And this morning she's back out into the yard.

I have a vet appointment to see whether there's anything obvious like an infection, maybe do a blood test to see what state she's in-- renal failure? Something else? -- it's just that it has been such a fast slide from 2 weeks ago.

My long-time vet (multiple dogs, 30+ years out of that clinic although he's younger than that--at any rate, his whole career spanning a good portion of that) has agreed to come out and look at her in the car so she doesn't have to go in to the vet, which has always overwhelmed her (gave her tranquilizers until recently).  The receptionist told me that he never does that. So I'm grateful, but who knows what he can really check there.

Feeling: Scared.

I love you, Teek; hold in there.