Back on the Back Subject

SUMMARY: Yes, subjecting myself to this subject again.

If you've heard it all before, you may move along, nothing to see here.

My Life With Crapback is so prevalent  in my thoughts because it's so prevalent in my life.   Feels sometimes like I'm in limbo, as I seem to have improved as much as I'm going  to and my body is up one day, a little down the next, up one week, a little down the next, not getting much of anywhere any more.  Still, I have made a long, long journey upward from two years past!

Instead of having to go only to movie theaters where a friend can pick me up at  home and drop me off a few feet from the theater entry (and there aren't that many theaters like that here) so that I could hobble miserably through the entry and to a seat, I can now, as in the old days, park at the far side of the parking lot and cruise on over on my own.  But, in the old days, I could sit there carefree.  In the in between days, I could barely sit there if dosed up on painkillers and carrying a cushion or two to provide expert support here or there. Nowadays, carefree sitting just ain't gonna happen: I am either placing my hands under my hips or thighs and pushing up, or leaning elbows on both armrests and pushing up, to keep the weight off the spine, and adjusting frequently.  This, of course, is hard on my shoulders.

STILL -- I can walk into a movie theater! Across the parking lot! And sit and watch a movie more or less normally, munching on popcorn. As I did yesterday morning.

My paper-sorting days have been few and far between in the last 3 years or so (you know, taxes, bills, records of all kinds, interesting personal keepsakes, etc.) because it's hard to do that while lying or even merely reclining.  For over a year, I don't think I did any of it.  Now I am trying to catch up on those years.  In the old days, I'd just sit on the floor and sort things into stacks all around me  and power through all of it at once.  Now, sitting on the floor can be painful. Leaning this way and that to toss papers onto various piles is definitely painful after a short while.  So it has to be when I haven't already been sitting for too long or doing other activities that aggravate the back.

BUT this last month I have actually been able to make progress.  You know--work 20-30 minutes, maybe somewhat longer, then take a long reclining rest on the couch with ice on my back. But I'm DOING it.

My quality of life during these past 3 years has been so different from the first 95% of my life that it's hard to even accept that it is me that this is happening to. Hard to accept that it's not likely to ever get better.  Walking--I have to keep walking, and walking a lot, but not walking too HARD or overdoing it.  Have to keep doing this wide variety of exercises and stretches--knees, hips, shoulders, spine, core muscles...  and it's not merely a matter of toning up, it's a matter of surviving a normal life.

BUT lately I can actually function for a while  while skipping those physical therapy regimens, instead of needing them to even be able to get out of bed in the morning, and again to get dressed, and again to get in or out of the car, and so on.

And, hey! I can go grocery shopping!  I have to be vewy vewy caweful about how much weight I lift at a time for larger objects or shopping bags, but I can DO it! And walking normally?  Remember a couple of years ago when I could move around a store only by putting all my weight on the shopping cart and gliding carefully, smoothly, slowly? [hmm, was going to put a link to that, but can't find it in Mr. Blog. Must be on Facebook.  Will investigate later.] When getting something off a higher shelf or lower shelf required that I ask someone?  Can DO it now. I have to bend or stretch or twist carefully, but it has become a habit through necessity that I don't have to think about it too hard as I get through the store.

And I can drive--well, for whatever reason, driving in MUTT MVR has not been completely excruciating even at the worst of times-- getting in and out, now, that was a different subject for many long months.  But now I can get in and out of the car; I've adjusted how I do it and if for a moment I forget (which I hardly ever do any more), it's not going to lay me flat out for the next half hour as it used to.

My point is that pain and careful living are my constant companions, but that those are SUCH an improvement over agony and life-on-hold in a drugged stupor.

Every time I decide to take a stroll around the mall for exercise, or stoop carefully to pull a few weeds, or vacuum a room, or carry my own laundry upstairs, it still feels like a small miracle.

If only there were a big miracle around the corner. I keep on keepin' an eye out. As Scarlett said, "Tomorrow is another day."

The Baleful Back: Glad and Sad and all that

SUMMARY: My back was SO SO bad in mid-2014 to late 2015. Now it's not SO SO bad.

The excruciating pain that I experienced back then, for well over a year, is still much on my mind almost every day. And some of that is in a good way, as in remembering how bad it was and how glad I am that it's not nearly that bad, because it was really bad:

• Struggling to get out of bed in the morning, as in, moving my body parts very, very slowly and very, very carefully and praying, although I'm not a praying woman, that I wouldn't move just so or turn just so or bend just so to put myself into screaming pain. As in, screaming. In some ways, it was a blessing if it happened while I was still lying down, because then at least I could probably roll into a position where the pain would abate enough that I could catch my breath and go back to careful, gentle stretches.
• If I were standing up and moving around and DID do the wrong movement, and suddenly I'd learn all over again what a pain level of 8-10 really is like--it hurt so badly that I'd be screaming, and I knew that if I could only lie down on one side, it would abate, and yet the process of MOVING from standing to the floor was so excruciating that it nearly made me faint as I struggled to get to the floor without getting to that level of pain, but even then finally lying on the floor sobbing.
• Looking at the doggie door that fits into my sliding glass door and that I take out every night and put in every morning and have for nearly 30 years without thinking about it. And knowing that trying to lift it into position would hurt so very, very badly that I didn't want to do it, almost preferred leaving the door open all day. Sometimes did. Thank goodness sometimes someone was around to do it for me.
• Showering: Could not shower standing up, it hurt so much. Fortunately, there's a built-in seat in my shower.  Still, hurt very badly just trying to clean all of me.  Couldn't stand up to dry myself off. Lifting the towel to wrap around my hair was a danger zone as well.
• Don't even think about getting dressed. Can't bend to get at my feet because of the pain. Can't lift my leg so I can get at my feet because of the pain. How to pull on pants? Let alone shoes or socks?
• Going to the movies--once I was in the seat, I could mostly relax and have less pain. Getting to the seat was the hard part. For a while, a friend doing with me would pick me up and drive me there and drop me off right in front of the theater, because me driving my car and trying to walk in from the parking lot--even from the handicapped spot, once I got my tag--hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt.  Some theaters have more walking to the entrance and/or to the theater than others.  Trying not to cry as I hobbled another 20-30 feet before needing desperately some way to take the weight off my back & legs--leaning on something might help a wee bit, but a bench would be much better. Could take me 15 minutes to walk a few dozen yards.

Just a few of the special joys of my life for so many months.

Slowly, physical therapy tricks and tips and classes and pain meds started to help and, finally, when I *could* get myself around again, walking more and more helped instead of wiping me out.

So, in the morning now when I carefully tighen my core muscles, align my shoulders and back and knees and legs to raise the dog door into place and it hurts only a little, I often think about what a miracle is that I can do this for myself.

When I can walk blithely in from anywhere in the parking lot to the movie theater and not have to slow down or stop to stretch or let the pain ease, wow, I walk past places where I'd stpped in misery and think, wow, hard to believe how bad it was. But at least it's nowhere near that bad now.

Still, trying to do foundation obedience & pre-agility baby class with Zorro on Saturdays is aggravating things much more than I had hoped it would. After this most recent Saturday morning, I was hobbling again yesterday and the nerves down the backs and sides of my thighs are just letting me know calmly that they would like me to not do that.

BUT--back after I got Chip and I tried the class with Chip, I couldn't do it at all, it hurt so much, and I dropped out after maybe only 2 classes. And, so, it's not as bad as back then. And I'm glad.

I can shower normally and dry myself off normally.  Well, bending forward to dry my hair is still a risk if I don't do it carefully, but mostly everything's pretty good.

I haven't had screaming or even merely crying pain in months. This is very good.

Still, trying to work full time is right out. I'm managing half time more or less, but I'm often so sore when I get home after 4 hours that all I want to do is ice my back and thighs and lounge on the couch.  (And a lot of computer work is out even then, as working on a laptop like that is hard on my neck and shoulders, even with this wonderful laptop-holding-arm that my company provided for me. Oh, and, right, did I mention very recently discovering that somewhere along the line I completely tore out 2 of the 4 rotator cuff tendons in one shoulder and there's no surgical help for it and it hurts. So that makes it even harder.)

Things that don't bother me so much:

• Most movie theater seats. I think it's because there's ample support all the way up to my head, plus I can hold up my weight on my arms to take the pressure off the back and thighs so much.  Hard on my arms and shoulders after a while, and I can't just sit there comfortably, lots of shifting around. But can do it without nearly as much trouble as sitting at a desk, even with a good chair and studiedly good posture and getting up every 25 minutes to a timer to walk around for 3-5 minutes.
• Driving my car. Again, support all the way up? And I think having the steering wheel to grab and/or push on with my hands/arms, and the floor that I can push forward on with my feet, helps keep the pressure lighter than I can ever hope for while computering.
• Lounging on the couch, as long as I'm not too much lying down and not too much sitting up. I can use the mouse a lot lot lot without bother, which is good for some photo editing and clicking Like on Facebook. I think that's why I often default to FB--I'm on the couch, I'm clicking Like, nothing much hurts. Sigh.
• Lying in bed.  This is best. But I can't do that all day or things start to get worse again.
• Walking around. Most of the time. This is much better than either sitting or standing still. On many days, even standing while the elevator comes to my floor is painful. So I just pace back and forth, back and forth.  Standing in the hall and chatting?  moving from foot to foot to foot and back and forth and back and forth---  I say that nowadays walking makes me feel better and better, until I pass some limit on my back's tolerance and it quickly deteriorates to much worse.

Still, what I wanted to say was that how much better it is than it was, and that's why I've been able to avoid having the scary spine surgery that I was sure I'd have to have, back then.

Well, had more I wanted to say, but my shoulders and neck are already killing me.  And my nice comfy bed awaits.

Wishing you all good health from youth through old old old old old old age. 120 or so.  G'night.