And to you your xxxwassailxxx Wagtail Too

SUMMARY: We haven't been walking the dogs for so long--

More best-loved lyrics straight from your favorite, K-TajMuttHall radio

--and that's where K-TMH dreams up so many of their fun Alternative Lyrics.

Here's from yesterday.

Here we come a snuffeling [it's 3 syllables, yes, just--sing it like that, ok?] along the weeds so green
And here we are a-wandering so furry to be seeeeeeeennnn--

Treats and toys come to you, and to you a wagtail too
And Dog bless you and snuggle you with flappy floppy ears
    And Dog snuggle with flappy floppy ears

We are not evil squirrel thugs who rob your feeder seed
But we are neighbors' puppy dogs who are always starving because no one gives us regular meals so food is what we need

[Co-author's note: Dog poets are not always known for their innate rhythm sense, nor veracity]

Treats and toys come to you, and to you a wagtail too
And dog bless you and snuggle you with flappy floppy ears
    And dog snuggle with flappy floppy ears

Dog bless the master of this house no matter gender role

And give us rotten apples please to bury in a hole

Treats and toys come to you, and to you a wagtail too
And dog bless you and snuggle you with flappy floppy ears
    And dog snuggle with flappy floppy ears

Doves, Music, Lyrics, and the Mysterious Ways of Brains

SUMMARY: They weren't the lyrics I thought they were.

[I *swear* I'll have something up about the new house tomorrow.]

On a driving trip through Arizona in 2010, taking photos as I went, I took a shot of blooming saguaro cactus and realized that it had a lovely dove perched on it taking sips of water from one of the flowers. I looked it up in my bird book: White-Winged Dove. Because I always like to know. 

 For some reason the topic of my vacation (or of birds or I don't know what) came up later in my dog agility class. I told about the bird drinking from a flower. What kind of bird? A species I'd never heard of before: White-Winged Dove. 

One of my classmates said, "oh! Like the song!" And it took me no more than a blink and two heartbeats to know exactly what she meant and to realize that the lyrics I'd thought for nearly 30 years were "like the wild wind does, sings a song sounds like she's singing" were not the actual lyrics. 

How I made that connection so quickly, I have no idea. She said nothing else about the song than those four words. I wonder what expression I had on my face.

Country or Western?

SUMMARY: My latest musical effort. Without any actual music.

From a Facebook Group Oct 8, 2021

This morning, doing my usual preflight check before going downstairs, I said out loud:

My phone is in my pocket
My dog is in the yard--

I know a winner when I say it, just needed more lyrics. Let it percolate a bit, and new realization: Negative would be funnier than positive. Plus I could squeeze in a pun. 

The result: My first-ever country/western song. Top 10 hit for sure.

My phone is in the toilet,
My dog escaped the yard,
My truck is in the kitchen,
My life is dog gone hard.

Smugly self-satisfied, I posted that to a group that loves mostly sophisticated kinds of humor* (ah, hubris rears its head again). And within minutes, someone responded:

If the phone is in the toilet, what are you writing this on?? 😂😂😂

Challenge accepted! I sat staring at my screen, working an answer. Took only a couple of minutes to respond:

Hmmm. Next verse?

My Mac is at the Genius Bar
My PC’s screen is blue
I stole my neighbor’s Android
So this message could get through.

Success!
Doggerel is easy. Although I think it actually keeps its rhythm. I'm sure you'll let me know

-------

* "Welcome to the Devotees of the Style Invitational, the long-running weekly humor/wordplay contest in The Washington Post. Our humor is usually sophisticated, sometimes crude -- from the haughty to the potty. The atmosphere in the group is irreverent, but there's no trash-talking." 

The Happy Tug-Playing Wanderer - Val-deri!

SUMMARY: There are consequences --Only the best misheard lyrics from K_Taj MuttHall.

I posted on FB this morning, slightly different lyrics.

True story.

Zorro loves to play some tug;
He really has the knack.
And then I sit inside and sing,
An ice pack on my back.

Val-deri,Val-dera,
Val-deri,
Val-dera-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
Val-deri,Val-dera.
An ice pack on my back.

Nothing says "I love you" like interrupted sleep

SUMMARY: Morning Brain. From K-TMH, only the finest in hijacked lyrics.

Beware of nocturnal dogs

True story. In music from K-TMH. 
(Tune of Morning Train; see below.)

… … 

He barks all day
And begs to play
But still wakes up at night

My doggie wakes me up at three;
He has to go outside to pee.
He searches for a friendly tree
While I sit waiting for him...

This has become a frequent issue in the last three months. 

We are not amused.

You must watch the original official Sheena Easton video (also below) to see state-of-the-art music videos and trains from 1980. 

I'm not thinking about my age. I'm not.

That poor guy--works 9 to 5 and then takes her out for the evening and then they play all night? When does he sleep??

Missing Disney Parks and the Parking Lot In Particular

SUMMARY: I'm an addict... sort of...

Disneyland is my happy place.

Not my only happy place, but pretty much guaranteed to be my happy place when I'm there. Which I try to be, roughly every couple of years.  Except, haven't been since November of 2017, and then I did very little in the parks because we were there for races (5Ks, etc.) and friends.

Looking across the dustpile that would become Disney California Adventure towards the Anaheim Convention Center.

We did Walt Disney World nearly a year ago, but it's not the same: Disneyland is home. The addition of California Adventure in 2001 at first was a disappointment but has gradually improved after the huge Disney Corp filled with some of the most creative people in the planet recognized their design flaw, which probably most of us saw while they were still building it:

Let's build an amusement park about doing fun and famous things in California, and put it in... California! 

Now it's better. With some cool attractions that we always make time to do. 

Clearly *something* will be built in here; hoping it will be cool.

However, to add Disney California Adventure (and Downtown Disney, which is between the parks -- a long pedestrian-only street of shops and restaurants, all of which are pretty good and we have a couple of favorites), they built it atop where the dearly beloved parking lot used to be. The one that was right next to the entrance. Convenient. And shoved all the parking into distant huge and pricey parking garages. I've never parked in one, but friends who drive up to join us sometimes don't get to us for as much as half an hour.

Used to be parking lot.

Today, someone posted in the Facebook Group MiceChat, 

"Does anyone remember [the] old parking lot for Disneyland where Disney’s California Adventure is now!"

I said:

Ooooh yeah I remember--for an extra fee you could park in the spaces closest to the entry if there were any left. So we'd get there early. Miss that for sure.

When we were kids and parents took us to Dland, we had a camper, so the camper would be available if someone needed a nap or for meals--Miss that for sure, too.

Discovered that my Dland-going partner seester had already said:

loved preferred parking. We could leave a cooler and coats in the car, and walk out for lunch and stuff, without having to pay for a locker.

And THEN... I just couldn't resist. Pulled up my photos from 1998, when it was all about bulldozers, not much of a hint about what was to come (views from the monorail),  and this came out:

DCA was the old parking lot
Now it's DCA, not the old parking lot
Been a long time gone, Oh the old parking lot!
Now it's walking afar nowhere near your car--

So, Take me back to the old parking lot
No, you can't go back to the old parking lot
Been a long time gone, Oh that old parking lot
Why did the old parking lot get replaced?
That's for all those new attractions we've embraced!

(Here's the original gold-selling version of Istanbul by The Four Lads, 1954.)

The Turks aren't the only ones who rename things--
Looking across the DCA construction to the hotel originally owned by Tokyu that opened in 1984 as the Emerald of Anaheim.
It was renamed Pan Pacific Hotel, Anaheim in 1989 when Tokyu merged its Emerald and Pan Pacific hotel divisions.
Disney purchased the hotel from Tokyu in 1995 and renamed it Disneyland Pacific Hotel.
The hotel was rebranded as Disney's Paradise Pier Hotel on December 15, 2000,
named after the formerly Paradise Pier (now renamed Pixar Pier) area in Disney California Adventure Park that the hotel tower overlooks.

Hotel COVID-19

SUMMARY: Best topical adulterated lyrics from K-Taj MuttHall.

Posted on Facebook: 4/24/20

Welcome to the COVID-19 lockdown
Such a lonely place (Such a lonely place)
Such a covered face
Plenty of gloom at the COVID-19 lockdown
Any time of year (Any time of year)
I'll have gloves on here....
....
Last thing I remember, I was
Pounding at the door
I had to keep some six feet back
At the place we shopped before
"We're out", said the night man
"We need TP to receive
You can checkout any time you like
But paper never leaves"

... ran out of energy before the end there. And it's pretty lame. Anyone want to improve or add to it? (If you google "welcome to the hotel california covid parody", some people, unlike moi, actually sing their versions. Like this one.)

On Having A Completely Free Day In Which To Finish Off Some Projects...

SUMMARY: ... in which, that doesn't happen.

Best laid plans and all that. Plus the cure for everything.

Had great ideas for things to do today that I've been waiting for time in which to do them. Up before sunrise. (7ish.) No clouds to make a pretty sunrise, so that was that, BUT: Something interesting to look at in the yard: First frost I've noticed this year. So I grabbed my iphone and my DSLR and headed into the yard (in my bathrobe, I might add; all the good photographers do it). Then, after some time out there freezing my fingers and other parts,  quite a bit of photo reviewing and labeling and editing time ensued.

Posted on Facebook today around 9:30:

Frosty plants taken by DSLR: zoom in on this photo and you can see the square ice crystals. 

(I compared the phone and DSLR shots, noted that it was just barely below freezing point, showed my floppy dog door frozen in flopped position, and presented happy dogs doing tandem tunnels: This is just a screenshot of the Facebook Album thumbnails).

 The DSLR frost one:

And then... things happened. Or didn't. Blah blah blah for hours until I posted on Facebook around 2:00:

So this is midday
And what have I done
Another hour over
And my chores not begun
And so this is crazy
I meant to be done
But I'm still on Facebook
Not feeling very young
A very Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without too much time spent frivolously.

Posted about 2 hours after that:

I decided I had spent enough time today on Facebook, chats, photo editing, dog trick training, and other oddities; time to get back to the things I’ve been wanting to do for a long time and haven’t because they take time and effort. I’ve made great progress the last few days. But… I kind of need lunch. 

I grabbed the radishes from my refrigerator where they’ve been sitting since Christmas Day. I stepped over to the sink to rinse them, and there’s a big pool of water drizzling out from under my kitchen cabinet. I threw some rags on it, grabbed a knife, and started to trim my radishes and discovered that they’re...frozen!? I have not changed anything in my refrigerator settings. I can see how I’m really going to be spending my time today.

So, I had lunch. I mopped up the water from the floor and under the sink: Not much there at all, and now I know exactly where it's coming from AND it's not dire. While I was at it--heck, I had wet rags and was on my knees already-- I did some general floor mud removal.

When I stood up, I noticed that the sky was spattered with clouds that looked like they could make a lovely sunset, and the horizon wasn't covered with thick grey clouds. Wow! So--

Posted around 5:30 today:

Today I actually noticed a pattern of clouds in the sky before sunset (not much before sunset), grabbed my camera, and drove a couple of minutes to the nearest place where I might get a decent urban sunset shot. So: I’m not technically in a parking lot. Scroll left and right to see the whole scene. 

(If you don’t already know, if you’re using an iPhone, and maybe others, if you hold it up in front of you and move your head as you move the phone, it’s like you’re looking through your own camera at the scene.) 

(I don't know how this works on my blog site. We'll find out, I guess.
OK, I see that it simply posts as a panorama, which means that it's distorted: The path is not U-shaped--I'm standing on one spot on a straight path and turning in a half circle to take the shot.)

So, then, because I hadn't accomplished nearly what I wanted and because maybe the fridge is broken after 25ish years of service, I applied the Solution To Everything: I went shopping!

Posted on FB before even leaving the Target parking lot:

You might *think* that because winter began less than a week ago you'd find stores stocked up on mittens, scarves, anoraks, and the like. But, no. This is California. You won't see any more of *that* sort of stuff until July. Christmas is over. So: Suddenly, now, if you want to drive over to Yosemite to see the snow, guess what you'll be wearing?!

So, do I post my entire life on Facebook? Not really. At least, not usually. Today has just been scattershot. Maybe I'll try to do other stuff for the rest of the evening. In the whole hour before bedtime. Like, hmm, eat dinner???

Music for the Shoe Addict

SUMMARY: Something you can sing while stocking up. (Stocking up... right.)

From Facebook: Originally created Oct 30, 2013!

I am not a shoe addict, but I concocted these lyrics for friends and relatives who are. Interspersed with random shoe photos I've taken over time.

I'M GOIN' SHOE SHOPPIN'
----------------------

(If you need music to sing along to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrI-UBIB8Jk )

Oooga chucka Oooga ooga ooga chucka...

I can't stop this feelin' deep inside my feet
Guys, you just don't realize shoes can make me sweet
When I wear some brand new Vans or pumps
I'm no longer way down in the dumps

I-I-I, I'm goin' shoe shoppin'
And I won't be stoppin'
Till I have five new pairs!

Shoes as pink as candy, points might hurt my toes
But for another Blahnik pair, girl, any fashion goes!
I got it bad for shoes, girl, but I don't want a cure
I'll just stay addicted and hope my cash endures.

Buy some slingbacks or some furry Uggs
If it's Gucci, it's like taking drugs

I-I-I, I'm goin' shoe shoppin'
And I won't be stoppin'
Till I have eight new pairs!

Open sandals, even saddle shoes, [tune of: All the good love when we're all alone]
I'm on Zappos, fending off the blues

I-I-I, I'm goin' shoe shoppin'
And I won't be stoppin'
Till I have twelve new pairs!

I'm goin' shoe shoppin'!

Best New Lyrics From Working In The House Today

SUMMARY: More corrected lyrics from your favorite station, K-TMH

First posted on Facebook June 29, 2019

TWO songs today--one by a guest poster who was inspired by my first song! (Below the photos.)
Such fun on Facebook!

But first: Taj MuttHall original:

Who's that barking in my yard?
Who's that making that noise?
Do me a favor, open the door, and tell 'em "Quiet!" 

Little Zorro, Brother Chip
Spunky Zorro's got some lip
Handsome Chipper, might take flight
Open the door and tell 'em "Quiet!"

-- True story. McCartney just got the words wrong.

Zorro barking while playing the tunnel game with Chip

Chip barking through the fence at next-door dogs

More lyrics from Kevin Cunningham, another creative dog owner (but Chip is not his dog's name).

Who’s that barrrrrking at my door?
Who’s that barrrrrking at my door?
Who’s that barrrrrking at my door?
Said the sleepy Ellen.
It’s Zorro and me, and we had to pee!
Said barkiful Chip the doggie.
We’ve got a squirrel trapped up the tree!
Said barkiful Chip the doggie.

-- Sung to tune of Barnacle Bill the Sailor (don't blame me if you look up the originals online)

The Problem With No A/C When You Want To Take A Shower on a Hot Day

SUMMARY: More reimagined lyrics from K-TMH.

Facebook: Posted there originally earlier today.

I have no A/C in my house. I close all my windows early to keep hot air out. Which works about as well as standing and waving your arms in front of roaming buffalo to get them to stop moving, which is maybe not as effective as you might think.

I showered around noon today in my bedroom shower. The results inspired me to provide new words to an old favorite song.

Home, Home, San Jose

I took a hot shower
At a very late hour.
Now it's humid in here, I must say.
I think I am hosed:
With the windows all closed,
My room will be steamy all day. 

Home, home, San Jose,
Where the skies are not cloudy all day,
Where the temperatures soar--
Dang, I can't take much more--
I wonder how much a really good central air conditioning system costs to install ... anyway?

Original music and words

Folsom Toenail Blues

SUMMARY: If Johnny Cash had a dog...

Radio Taj MuttHall (K-TMH) hasn't posted in a lonnnnng time. So here ya go. True story.

I hear those toenails comin',
They're clicking down the hall.
I ain't clipped those dog claws since
Adam was small.
I've got to grab those clippers
And then the Dremel tool.
Then I must clip them shorter
While doggies sit and drool.

When they were only puppies,
My groomer told me, gal,
Keep their toenails shorter to
Improve the dogs' morale
But I let them grow like bamboo,
So now they're ten feet long
And if those puppers jump me,
That sure will end thi

Breakfast

SUMMARY: A new possibly Pulitzer Prize winning poem

[I posted originally on facebook]

Breakfast

Chip's dish is green,
Mom get caffeine,
Zorro eats some
Grass and plums
And everything's serene.


*well, dish is more like teal. But whatever.

The Shadow Knows

SUMMARY: Dogs, Noses, Shadows, and Nonsense

Backfill: From Facebook Dec 27, 2017. But not posted until today (Dec 27, 2019).

Sorry, but had to do this:

Who knows what noseprints mark on the doors of men? The Shadow Knows. 

Yes, Lamutt Cranston has the power to cloud men's windows so they cannot see him.

P.S. Not really sorry.

Doggy Scratchtoe

SUMMARY: More misbegotten lyrics from K-TMH radio and Mother Goose.

You know the English folk song/nursery rhyme--

Bobby Shafto's gone to sea,

Silver buckles at his knee;

He'll come back and marry me,

Bonny Bobby Shafto!

So. I'm very behind on trimming the Boy Beasts' nails.  I'm always very behind on trimming them. And Zorro has toenails like ... uh... like... untrimmed small dog toenails. Sharp! And then the weather was hot and I was wearing shorts, and then this happened with Zorro:

Doggy Scratchtoe paws at me,

Long red welts across my knee;

Will he stop? Let's wait and see.

Naughty Doggy Scratchtoe!

(Back in June. Just posting now. Whatev's.)

Don't Stop Believing...

SUMMARY: ...Dogs can make a mess of things...

For some inexplicable reason known only to strange quarks, Human Mom has of late been immersing herself in Journey's Don't Stop Believin' ** over and over. At least a couple of times a day. Have rediscovered it after all these years. Man, Steve Perry has a Voice!  Listen to it again; wow! (Plus what lovely music.)

Plus: Vacuuming every. Single. Day.  Sometimes twice!  Jeez!  Add them together--

Just a small town dog Diggin' up a funky log He took that thing inside to chew anywhere
Just a Zorro boy He can't find a normal toy He took that thing inside to chew anywhere
A dead plant from a plastic pot Such a lovely thing they've got Dig it up and spread the soil It goes on and on, and on, and on
[Chorus] Strange dog chew toys Up and down the living room Their remnants lying everywhere
Vacuum, pointless Next it's plum stains on the carpet Makin' me tear out my hair
Working hard to clean the shower None-the-less within the hour The dog is walkin' through the door
Dusty feet and moistened floor Adding up to one big chore Oh, the footprints never end They go on and on, and on, and on
Strange dog chew toys Bringing clods of dirt inside Their teeth leave long lines in the clay
Paper on the ground Envelopes are often found It's some new chew toy every day
Don't stop believin' Dogs can make a mess of things Dog toy stuffing... Oh-oh-ohhhhhhhhh! Don't stop believin'!

** For original lyrics, go here.

Dog-Walking Poetry

SUMMARY: Because Longfellow didn't get it quite right

Originally on facebook; posted here 12/30/2019


December 30, 2015 at 8:10 PM
Just something that my brain thought while out walking (Apologies to H.W. Longfellow):

BETWEEN the dark and the daylight,
When the night is beginning to lower,
Comes a pause in the dogs’ occupations,
That is known as the Dog-Walking Hour.

I hear in the hallway behind me
The patter of little claws,
The sound of a toy that is squeaking,
And the clatter of toothy jaws.

From my study I see in the lamplight,
A-prowling with collie-like flair,
Grave Chipper, and bright-eyed Luke-meister,
Both shedding their summer hair.

A whimper, and then a silence:
Yet I know by their merry eyes
They are plotting and planning together
To take me by surprise.

A sudden rush from the kitchen,
A sudden raid from the hall!
By two doors left unguarded
They enter my castle wall!

(Maybe to be continued. Or not. Need another walk.)

Kibble Song

SUMMARY: Just some positive and some silly lyrics in a difficult month.

OK, think Annie Get Your Gun:

Got no mansion, got no yacht,
Still I'm happy with what I got.
I've got the sun in the morning
And the moon at night

Got the tune? (If not, try this.)  The song itself is something I'm singing to myself as an affirmation.

Still, once that's in my head, it's hard to avoid going here at mealtime--

I feed kibble to my dogs
I must keep them from being hogs:
They get a cup in the morning
And two thirds at night!

That's all I got for ya.

Don't Throw Your Pup In My Back Yard

SUMMARY: I have so much to talk about, so instead I'll do this.

There's this round. It goes like this:
First: One bottle of pop, two bottle of pop, 3 bottle of pop, 4 bottle of pop, 5 bottle of pop, 6 bottle of pop, 7 bottle of pop, pop.
Second: Fish and chips and vinegar, vinegar, vinegar. Fish and chips and vinegar, vinegar and pop.
Third: Don't throw your junk in my back yard, my back yard, my back yard, don't throw your junk in my back yard, my back yard's full.

Hard to find a good version online, as it's basically a kid's and camp song. But this one is fun: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_je-rbBgOLo

So, when feeding my beasts the other day, I became inspired.  Sing along with the new lyrics:

First: One kibble for pup, two kibble for pup, 3 kibble for pup, 4 kibble for pup, 5 kibble for pup, 6 kibble for pup, 7 kibble for pup, pup.
Second: Balls and bones and tugging toys, tugging toys, tugging toys. Balls and bones and tugging toys, tugging toys for pup.
Third: Don't throw your pup in my back yard, my back yard, my back yard, don't throw your pup in my back yard, my back yard's full.

Hee hee.

Of Dragons and Broomsticks and Grieving, Oh My

SUMMARY: Bittersweet dog hair.

Everything in my home and my life is anchored with nano-thin strands to my brain or my heart, or both. The threads hang loosely most of the time, and I never know when one will be yanked and the pain hits and the tears come.

Sometimes in the silliest and most bittersweet ways.

I hardly ever take Chip anywhere. We used to go everywhere. This morning when he went outside with me while I got the newspaper (tears still, every morning, because Boost isn't getting it), he saw a neighbor open their car door and raced over to try to get in. Darn it, we never go anywhere. I no longer have a dog with a reliable recall. Darn it darn it darn it.

After that, I swept the kitchen and the stairs, for the first time since just after Boost died. So--6 weeks. Used to be that granules of dirt and crud accrued rapidly under the two PVC beds in the kitchen, forming a textured carpet of filth on the floor in the exact rectangular shape of the bed. Sometimes every couple of days I'd be so horrified by the grunge that I'd grab the hand vac just to clean under the beds.

Dog hair used to rain down; it formed puddles of fur in the corners of every step on the two staircases, along underneath the fronts of all the cabinets, all across the floor and the corners of the rooms and under the chairs... Sweeping once a week wasn't really enough, but I'd be lucky to get it done half as often, and then sweeping created mountains of fur in multiple locations for scooping and hand-vac-ing, all filling half a wastebasket at least.

Tika drooled at the drop of a food, her whole life. So the areas on the floor of the kitchen where she'd sit and wait while I put the food bowls down, or where she'd hang out by the counter as someone prepared any kind of food. became spotted and smeared and filthy and gross and had to be mopped regularly.

The kitchen floor as a whole easily displayed dirty swaths that demonstrated easily the paths that the dogs took in and out and around.

Today, after 6 weeks:
A bare handful of hair after sweeping everything.
Hardly a speck of dust beneath the PVC beds.
A few random dirty spots here and there on the kitchen floor.

You'd think I'd be happy about the lack of mess, but no: I bawled. Chip moved in and let me lean my head on his shoulder.

And this, in my head:

Boost and Tika doggies lived by the sea
And frolicked in the big back yard in a land called Honalee.
Together they would travel in a van with billowed sail.
Tika kept a lookout next to Booster's white-tipped tail.
One gray night it happened: Boost and Tika came no more.
And MUTT MVR the minivan it closed its rear hatch door.