Monday, May 05, 2003

Where Do These Things Come From?

Had a pretty good weekend at the Bay Team trial. Life seems to be picking up. I have started to feel a little bit at home in my "new" yard for the first time (since buying the place in Sept '01). Woke up middle of the night briefly, but then Jake decided he needed to go out, and then I was wide awake. So I was up for a bit, had hot chocolate, read for a while, went back to bed. Was just dozing off, jake's snooker runs running vaguely through my head, when all of a sudden I was THERE (where?), walking Remington on leash, and he was turning back towards me--and I woke up in a panic--I forgot Rem at the trial! I didn't do his runs! I didn't bring him home! He wasn't in the room! And of course, instantly realizing--he hadn't been there at all, he isn't here, he never will be here. All washing over me in an instant, from nowhere. Waking me completely in tears.

I did think about & talk about Rem this weekend, all in a matter-of-fact way (e.g., "My dog loves this rainy weather"; "Yeah, this always got Rem pretty excited, too."). Only once, when I was talking with someone about new dogs, and I was trying to say that it would be a while before I got another one again, for this reason & that reason & because I'd still think of it as filling in the spot left gaping empty by Remington--and I couldn't finish the sentence because it lodged in my throat and nothing at all dared come out.

So I don't really know where that rude awakening came from this morning, 2 months after Rem died. I'm still rattled and overwhelmed, a couple of hours later. More sleep not possible.

Wanted to say some about all of Jake's qualifying runs this weekend (everything except 1 standard, including 2 gamblers!), but I've got too much else to do before leaving this morning for Power Paws Camp for a week.

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